Random Thoughts from the ER

My daughter Aileen was having a bit of a set back in her recovery in that the skills she had learned to help her through the tough times were not working for her. So last Thursday, I brought her to the ER. After a number of psychiatric professionals assessed her, they decided they would try to find her a room so they could admit her. However, there were no beds available anywhere in the city so we stayed in the "asylum room" in the ER. To pass some of the time, I started writing down random thoughts. Some of these thoughts involve the some DBT skills that work for me and some of these thoughts are just random.

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When I think of Don or the last 10 years, my DBT skills are really tested. It's hard for me to radically accept that he couldn't/wouldn't/didn't make the effort to not throw away our relationship. I have to keep reminding myself that it is his issue, not mine and it didn't involve my self-worth. It is hard to separate the two though. The thought that goes through my mind is "I didn't mean that much to min after 10 years together", "I wasn't worth his effort", "He couldn't buy his way out so he checked out", "What a wimpshit." It still doesn't make me feel any better though. I don't like what he did or didn't do but I'm happy with the way I have accepted it. I recognize that he will never have my back nor protect me. He will never offer me validation of my feelings. He will never be non-judgemental. These are all toxic to my BPD.

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Standing outside the hospital room, Aileen is talking to the psych student. She finds it much easier to be open about things if I step outside the room. It's hard not knowing what is being spoken about in there but I have to trust she is being forthcoming. I guess if I don't know what is going on, I can't fix it. And as a mom, I want to fix it.

It is also going through my mind as to how this will affect her schoolwork. She was on the cusp of not graduating this year and has expressed that she won't go back next year, She can graduate next year, not problem, but the only friend left there will be Stoner Bryton. My opinion on that influence is that he is extremely toxic.

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It's been really hard on me just standing back and watching what she is doing to her life. So much talent and it is being wasted. Jamming with friends - much fun. I caught a glimpse of the old Aileen 2 nights ago. I came home and she was sitting on the couch singing showtunes - Kindergarten Boyfriend from "Heathers". Oh to see her perform that in festival would be amazing. To get her writing again would be awesome and even to get her composing music again and performing.

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I am so tired and bored out here in the hallway. There aren't any seats, sick people are passing by on stretcher, empty stretchers are being taken away by EMS.

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I'm excited about starting my new job on Monday. I'm going to re-write my budget. I talked to my father today about it and paying him back on a fast track. I just did a quick calculation and it should be all good. I will have to relist my debts and pay them off accordingly.

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I'm sitting here in the darkness of the hospital ER room. It seems like Aileen is sleeping and I'm drinking Sanka instant coffee. It's not the best cup of coffee I've ever had by far but it will do in a pinch. Through the breaks in the blinds in the door window, I can see 3 security guards/babysitters outside what we affectionately call the "asylum rooms". 

We are just waiting for the doctors to come back with their final decision. It sounds like they are going to admit her - somewhere.

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I just had a brilliant idea. I'm going out in the hallway, grab a few blankets off the rack and have a snooze on the floor.  S C O R E ! ! ! ! !

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My mother used to say that I could sleep anywhere, that you could even hang me on a hook and I would sleep. Based on where I slept last night, that is still true. I slept on the floor in an ER asylum room. I grabbed 4 blankets off the linen car - 2 for a pillow, one for the floor and one to go over me. I only woke up once although I may need a nap soon.

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We are waiting for a room/bed for Aileen somewhere other than in the ER. My neighbour, Cassie, took the dogs out. I love my neighbour. My new friend, Tony, has been texting me regularly checking up on me and Aileen.

It still scares me that Child & Family Services might be called in again. However, it was a relief that the doctor was not happy that Aileen's dad allowed her abuser to be in the same home as her. The doctor could also tell that I was stable. He said that it is apparent that I did a lot of work on myself that was working very well.

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So that is the end of my musings, my random thoughts. Aileen didn't get admitted to the hospital. They said that she could be waiting all weekend in the ER to get a bed someplace and there was no guarantee where that bed would be. She was feeling better so she was released with conditions. We are to ensure that she continues counselling at the local mental health clinic and to begin DBT program. 

She was actually pretty awesome this weekend. She went out for a couple of hours on Saturday and was home right when I said she had to be home. She worked with me on Saturday evening, we played CDs and we sang and sang and sang. She crawled in bed with me early Sunday morning. She did her homework, assignments, study. She went out today and was home when I told her to be home. She did more school work. I asked her to let me know when she was leaving to back to her dad's and to not simply sneak out of the house. And she did. I told her how awesome it was that she was respecting the boundaries being set upon her. I'm closing out this weekend on a happy note. It's been a while since that happened.

Cheers Everyone!

DBT Describing Emotions - Guilt

Guilt is the source of sorrows, the avenging fiend that follows us behind with whips and stings. - Nicholas Rowe

Guilt Words

Guilt     Regret     Apologetic     Remorse     Culpability     Sorry

Prompting Events for Feeling Guilt

• Doing or thinking something you believe is wrong
• Doing or thinking something that violates your personal values
• Not doing something you said that you would do
• Committing a transgression against another person or something you value
• Causing harm/damage to another person or object
• Causing harm/damage to yourself
• Being reminded of something wrong you did in the past

Interpretations of Events that Prompt Feelings of Guilt

• Thinking your actions are to blame for something
• Thinking you behaved badly
• Thinking "if only" you had done something differently

Biological Changes and Experiences of Guilt

• Hot, red face
• Jitteriness, nervousness
• Suffocating

Expressions and Actions of Guilt

• Trying to repair the harm, make amends for the wrongdoing, fix the damage, change the outcome
• Asking for forgiveness, apologizing, confessing
• Giving gifts, making sacrifices trying to make up for the transgression
• Bowing your head, kneeling before the person

After-effects of Guilt

• Making resolutions to change
• Making changes in behaviour
• Joining self-help programs

Typical Secondary Emotions of Guilt

• Shame, Fear

DBT Describing Emotions - Shame

Shame is an unhappy emotion invented by pietists in order to exploit the human race. - Blake Edwards

Shame Words
Shame     Discomposure     Mortification     Contrition     Embarrassment     Self-Conscious     Culpability     Humiliation     Shyness


Prompting Events for Feeling Shame

• Being rejected by people you care about
• Having others find out that you have done something wrong
• Doing (feeling or thinking) something that people you admire believe is wrong or immoral
• Comparing some aspect of yourself or your behavior to a standard and feeling like you do not live up to that standard
• Being betrayed by a person you love
• Being laughed at, made fun of
• Being criticized in public, in front of someone else; remembering public criticism
• Others attacking your integrity
• Being reminded of something wrong, immoral or "shameful" you did in the past
• Being rejected or criticized for something you expected praise for
• Having emotions/experiences that have been invalidated
• Exposure of a very private aspect of yourself or your life
• Exposure of a physical characteristic you dislike
• Failing at something you feel you are (or should be) competent to do so

Interpretations of Events that Prompt Feelings of Shame

• Believing that other will reject you (or have rejected you)
• Judging yourself to be inferior, not "good enough", not as good as others; self-invalidation
• Comparing yourself to others and thinking that you are a "loser"
• Believing yourself unlovable
• Thinking that you are bad, immoral or wrong
• Thinking you are defective
• Thinking you're a bad person or a failure
• Believing your body (or a body part) is too big, too small or ugly
• Thinking that you have not lived up to others' expectations of you
• Thinking that your behaviour, thoughts or feeling are silly or stupid

Biological Changes and Experiences of Shame

• Pain in the pit of the stomach
• A sense of dread
• Wanting to shrink down and/or disappear
• Wanting to hide or cover your face and body

Expressions and Actions of Shame

• Hiding behaviour or characteristic from other people
• Avoiding the person you have harmed
• Avoiding persons who have criticized you
• Avoiding yourself - distracting, ignoring
• Withdrawing, covering your face
• Bowing your head, grovelling
• Appeasing; saying you are sorry over and over and over
• Looking down and away from others
• Sinking back, slumped and rigid posture
• The halted speech, lowered volume while talking

After-effects of Shame

• Avoiding thinking about your transgression, shutting down, blocking all emotions
• Engaging in distracting, impulsive behaviours to divert your mind or attention
• High amount of "self-focus"; preoccupation with self
• Depersonalization, associative experiences, numbness or shock
• Attacking or blaming others
• Conflicts with other people. Isolation, feeling alienated
• Impairment in ability to problem solve

Typical Secondary Emotions of Shame

• Anger, contempt, disgust, fear

Hard To Accept

So I had been hanging out with my ex for the last number of months, just doing stuff. I was holding him at arms length, not letting him get too emotionally close. For the past 10 years, he has been habitually passive aggressive which is a HUGE trigger for my BPD. It is virtually impossible for him to give validation which again is a huge trigger for my BPD.

When we would be hanging out, he would indicate that he wanted to have sex. I would refuse because neither one of us knew what this interaction between us was. Then in the next breath, he would say that we are just friends. But then he would be looking for sex and then say we are just friends and so on.

I finally told him to stop with the mind games. He refused to acknowledge that he was using mind games on me. So for weeks and weeks, this went on and on. I finally talked to him one day when he was in an open-minded mood and he agreed that what he was doing could be perceived as mind games. Finally!! VALIDATION!!  I told him at that instant "Please, please, don't say another word. Please don't ruin this." And he didn't.

The next few days after that, I felt huge weights being lifted off me and a lot of the old feelings came rushing back. Then he told me that he started seeing someone from his past - the one that got away, so to speak. He told me that he was pursuing a relationship with her. I was blind-sided, heartbroken all over again, in disbelief, so many feelings I can't even explain. He finally was able to give the validation I so desperately needed but he told me that he went through hell to get there and it would be unlikely that he would be able to do it again. Well, alright then.

It is really hard to accept that after 10 years together, he wouldn't put in a little effort to satisfy my needs. I told him that I understand what he meant by "going through hell" because that is what I experienced during the first staged on my DBT. The skills in DBT force your mind to go in a different direction than it has gone virtually your entire life. But the more you practice these skills, the easier they become. He has no interest in forcing his mind to do anything.

I often find myself thinking that I simply am not worthy of the effort, that I simply wasn't important enough. I have to force myself to radically accept the situation as it is and accept that these are his decisions that have nothing to do with me. That's what my therapist tells me anyway. My ex is choosing the path of least resistance for him. 

I kinda feel sorry for him though. The part that he played in our break-up - the passive aggressiveness, lack of validation - he hasn't changed anything at all in that respect. He will carry these behaviours to future relationships which likely will be the downfall of those too. 

As for me, I need to move on. I have a date this evening. I'm cautiously excited for this. We have been talking online and we seem to have quite a lot in common. He is taking me to dinner at my favourite restaurant.

Blog at you later, people.

BPD Thinking

Feeling Nostalgic - My Favourite Childhood Poem

"Mrs. Malone" by Eleanor Farjeon (1881 - 1965)

Mrs Malone lived hard by a wood
All on her lonesome as nobody should.
With her crust on a plate and her pot on the coal
And none but herself to converse with, poor soul.
In a shawl and a hood she got sticks out o'doors,
On a bit of old sacking she slept on the floor,
And nobody, nobody asked how she fared
Or knew how she managed for nobody cared.
Why make a pother about an old crone?
What for should they bother with Mrs. Malone?

One Monday in winter with snow on the ground
So thick that a footstep fell without sound,
She heard a faint frostbitten peck on the pane
And went to the window to listen again.
There sat a cock-sparrow bedraggled and weak,
With half-open eyelid and ice on his beak.
She threw up the sash and she took the bird in
And mumbled and fumbled it under her chin.
"Ye're all of a smother, ye're fair overblown!
I've room fer another," said Mrs. Malone.

Come Tuesday while eating her dry morning slice
With the sparrow a-picking ("Ain't company nice!")
She heard on her doorpost a curious scratch,
And there was a cat with its claw on the latch.
It was hungry and thirsty and thin as a lath,
It mewed and it meowed on the slithery path.
She threw the door open and warmed up some pap,
And huddled and cuddled it in her old lap.
"There, there, little brother, ye poor skin-an'-bone,
There's room fer another," said Mrs. Malone.

Come Wednesday while all of them crouched on the mat
With a crumb for the sparrow and a sip for the cat,
There was wailing and whining outside in the wood,
And there sat a vixen with six of her brood.
She was haggard and ragged and worn to a shred,
And her half-dozen babies were only half-fed,
But Mrs. Malone, crying "My! ain't they sweet!"
Happed them and lapped them and gave them to eat.
"You warm yerself, mother, ye're cold as a stone!
There's room fer another," said Mrs. Malone.

Come Thursday a donkey stepped in off the road
With sores on his withers from bearing a load.
Come Friday when icicles pierced the white air
Down from the mountainside lumbered a bear.
For each she had something, if little, to give -
"Lord knows, the poor critters must all of 'em live."
She gave them her sacking, her hood and her shawl,
Her loaf and her teapot - she gave them her all.
"What with one thing and t'other me fambily's grown,
And there's room fer another," said Mrs. Malone.

Come Saturday evening when time was to sup
Mrs. Malone had forgot to sit up.
The cat said "Meow", and the sparrow said "Peep"
The vixen, "She's sleeping," The bear, "Let her sleep."
On the back of the donkey they bore her away,
Through trees and up mountains beyond night and day,
Till come Sunday morning they brought her in state
Through the last cloudbank as far as the Gate.
"Who is it," asked Peter, "you have with you there?"
And donkey and sparrow, cat, vixen and bear

Exclaimed, "Do you tell us up here she's unknown?
It's our mother, God bless us! It's Mrs. Malone
Whose havings were few and whose holding was small
And whose heart was so big it had room for us all."
Then Mrs. Malone of a sudden awoke,
She rubbed her two eyeballs and anxiously spoke:
"Where am I , to goodness, and what do I see?
My dears, let's turn back, this ain't no place her me!"
But Peter said, "Mother, go in to the Throne.
There's room for another one, Mrs. Malone."

DBT Describing Emotions - SADNESS

I actually think sadness and darkness can be very beautiful and healing. - Duncan Sheik 

Sadness Words
Sadness     Alienation     Displeasure     Gloom     Despair     Discontentment     Insecurity     Loneliness     Grief     Pity     Sorrow     Unhappiness     Misery     Anguish     Defeat     Depression     Agony     Dismay   Distraught     Glumness     Disappointment     Hurt     Disconnected     Melancholy     Homesickness     Rejection     Suffering     Alone     Neglect     Crushed     Dejection     Woe

Prompting Events for Feeling Sadness

• Losing something or someone that is irretrievable
• Things are not the way you expected or wanted and hoped for
• The death of someone you love, thinking about deaths of people you love
• Losing a relationship; thinking about losses
• Being separated from someone you care for or value; thinking about how much you miss someone.
• Being rejected or excluded
• Being disapproved of or disliked, not being valued by people you care about
• Things turning out badly
• Getting what you don't want
• Things being worse than you expected
• Not getting what you have worked for
• Not getting what you want and believe you need in life; thinking about what you have not gotten that you wanted or needed
• Discovering that you are powerless or helpless
• Being with someone else who is sad, hurt or in pain
• Reading or hearing about other people's problems or troubles in the world
• Being alone or isolated or an outsider

Interpretations of Events that Prompt Feeling of Sadness

• Believing that a separation from someone will last for a long time or will never end
• Believing that you will not get what you want or need in your life
• Seeing things or your life as hopeless
• Believing that you are worthless or not valuable

Biological Changes and Experiences of Sadness

• Feeling tired, run-down, or low in energy
• Feeling lethargic, listless; wanting to stay in bed all day
• Feeling as if nothing is pleasurable anymore
• Feeling a pain or hollowness in your chest or gut
• Feeling empty
• Feeling as if you can't stop crying, or feeling that if you ever start crying, you will never be able to stop
• Difficulty swallowing
• Breathlessness
• Dizziness

Expressions and Actions of Sadness

• Avoiding things
• Acting helpless
• Moping, brooding, or acting moody
• Making slow, shuffling movements
• Withdrawing from social contact
• Avoiding activities that used to bring pleasure
• Sitting or laying around; being inactive
• Staying in bed all day
• Giving up and no longer trying to improve
• Saying sad things
• Talking to someone about sadness
• Talking little or not at all
• Using a quiet, slow or monotonous voice
• Eyes drooping
• Frowning, not smiling
• Posture slumping
• Sobbing, crying, whimpering

Aftereffects of Sadness

• Not being able to remember happy things
• Feeling irritable, touchy or grouchy
• Yearning and searching for the thing lost
• Having a negative outlook; thinking only about the negative side of things
• Blaming or criticizing yourself
• Remembering or imagining other times you were sad and other losses
• Hopeless attitude
• Fainting spells
• Nightmares
• Insomnia
• Appetite disturbances, indigestion
• Depersonalization, dissociative experiences, numbness or shock

Typical Secondary Emotions of Sadness

• Anger, shame, fear