Random Thoughts from the ER

My daughter Aileen was having a bit of a set back in her recovery in that the skills she had learned to help her through the tough times were not working for her. So last Thursday, I brought her to the ER. After a number of psychiatric professionals assessed her, they decided they would try to find her a room so they could admit her. However, there were no beds available anywhere in the city so we stayed in the "asylum room" in the ER. To pass some of the time, I started writing down random thoughts. Some of these thoughts involve the some DBT skills that work for me and some of these thoughts are just random.

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When I think of Don or the last 10 years, my DBT skills are really tested. It's hard for me to radically accept that he couldn't/wouldn't/didn't make the effort to not throw away our relationship. I have to keep reminding myself that it is his issue, not mine and it didn't involve my self-worth. It is hard to separate the two though. The thought that goes through my mind is "I didn't mean that much to min after 10 years together", "I wasn't worth his effort", "He couldn't buy his way out so he checked out", "What a wimpshit." It still doesn't make me feel any better though. I don't like what he did or didn't do but I'm happy with the way I have accepted it. I recognize that he will never have my back nor protect me. He will never offer me validation of my feelings. He will never be non-judgemental. These are all toxic to my BPD.

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Standing outside the hospital room, Aileen is talking to the psych student. She finds it much easier to be open about things if I step outside the room. It's hard not knowing what is being spoken about in there but I have to trust she is being forthcoming. I guess if I don't know what is going on, I can't fix it. And as a mom, I want to fix it.

It is also going through my mind as to how this will affect her schoolwork. She was on the cusp of not graduating this year and has expressed that she won't go back next year, She can graduate next year, not problem, but the only friend left there will be Stoner Bryton. My opinion on that influence is that he is extremely toxic.

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It's been really hard on me just standing back and watching what she is doing to her life. So much talent and it is being wasted. Jamming with friends - much fun. I caught a glimpse of the old Aileen 2 nights ago. I came home and she was sitting on the couch singing showtunes - Kindergarten Boyfriend from "Heathers". Oh to see her perform that in festival would be amazing. To get her writing again would be awesome and even to get her composing music again and performing.

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I am so tired and bored out here in the hallway. There aren't any seats, sick people are passing by on stretcher, empty stretchers are being taken away by EMS.

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I'm excited about starting my new job on Monday. I'm going to re-write my budget. I talked to my father today about it and paying him back on a fast track. I just did a quick calculation and it should be all good. I will have to relist my debts and pay them off accordingly.

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I'm sitting here in the darkness of the hospital ER room. It seems like Aileen is sleeping and I'm drinking Sanka instant coffee. It's not the best cup of coffee I've ever had by far but it will do in a pinch. Through the breaks in the blinds in the door window, I can see 3 security guards/babysitters outside what we affectionately call the "asylum rooms". 

We are just waiting for the doctors to come back with their final decision. It sounds like they are going to admit her - somewhere.

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I just had a brilliant idea. I'm going out in the hallway, grab a few blankets off the rack and have a snooze on the floor.  S C O R E ! ! ! ! !

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My mother used to say that I could sleep anywhere, that you could even hang me on a hook and I would sleep. Based on where I slept last night, that is still true. I slept on the floor in an ER asylum room. I grabbed 4 blankets off the linen car - 2 for a pillow, one for the floor and one to go over me. I only woke up once although I may need a nap soon.

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We are waiting for a room/bed for Aileen somewhere other than in the ER. My neighbour, Cassie, took the dogs out. I love my neighbour. My new friend, Tony, has been texting me regularly checking up on me and Aileen.

It still scares me that Child & Family Services might be called in again. However, it was a relief that the doctor was not happy that Aileen's dad allowed her abuser to be in the same home as her. The doctor could also tell that I was stable. He said that it is apparent that I did a lot of work on myself that was working very well.

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So that is the end of my musings, my random thoughts. Aileen didn't get admitted to the hospital. They said that she could be waiting all weekend in the ER to get a bed someplace and there was no guarantee where that bed would be. She was feeling better so she was released with conditions. We are to ensure that she continues counselling at the local mental health clinic and to begin DBT program. 

She was actually pretty awesome this weekend. She went out for a couple of hours on Saturday and was home right when I said she had to be home. She worked with me on Saturday evening, we played CDs and we sang and sang and sang. She crawled in bed with me early Sunday morning. She did her homework, assignments, study. She went out today and was home when I told her to be home. She did more school work. I asked her to let me know when she was leaving to back to her dad's and to not simply sneak out of the house. And she did. I told her how awesome it was that she was respecting the boundaries being set upon her. I'm closing out this weekend on a happy note. It's been a while since that happened.

Cheers Everyone!