So I'm at the court centre on Friday, chatting it all up with my lawyer when he informs me that there is a meeting with Child Protective Services on Wednesday the following week (it is in 2 days now). Those to be present are myself, my ex-husband, our 15 year old daughter and the case worker. It was made blatantly clear, in no uncertain terms, that counsel was not to be there. I started to panic. I kept telling my lawyer, Henry, that I could not go to that meeting alone. It would be like being put in front of a firing squad. The more I thought about it, the more I panicked. My body was so tensed up that I started to shake. I could not relax.
Now why would someone have a reaction as extreme as this to something as simple as a meeting with a few people. Well, let me tell you.
Jennifer Duncan, the child and family services case worker, is a heartless ice-queen bitch. Two previous meetings I've had with her ended in a major disaster. When I am in the midst of active distress tolerance skills, she has constantly badgered me to the point that I exploded at her, she mocked me telling me I was playing some stupid little game, she left messages that were so abrupt and heartless that I had a major meltdown episode to the point of depersonalizing and even dissociating. (I even called her back leaving a message calling her "a nigger bitch". Probably not the best way to get on her good side.) That was fucking scary. AND being that she is child services, she holds all the cards in her hands. However, that was all before I started DBT.
My ex-husband - ugh - I'm getting a sick lump in my throat just thinking about how I could describe him. I guess a good way to put it is this - "He loves his daughter but he hates me more." It is not in his DNA for him to be able to keep his mouth shut. He makes shit up - he can't separate fact from interpretation. I think he truly believes that his interpretations are fact. So MY interpretation is that he takes the facts, mixes them all up with his emotional hatred for me and PRESTO!! He now has his own twisted pseudo-facts that are so far out there. BUT it is this shit that he is feeding into our daughter's head. And seeing as I can't have any contact with her, I can't set her straight. She is believing that crap that her dad is shoveling in to her head.
So I am to go to this meeting with a case worker who thinks I'm the reincarnation of Satan, an ex-husband whose hobby it is to make my life a living hell (more than just the BPD hell) and a vulnerable 15 year old daughter who is having garbage, non-truths, blatant lies about me, rammed into her brain.
Make no fucking wonder I'm having a major anxiety attack.
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