DBT Describing Emotions - Guilt

Guilt is the source of sorrows, the avenging fiend that follows us behind with whips and stings. - Nicholas Rowe

Guilt Words

Guilt     Regret     Apologetic     Remorse     Culpability     Sorry

Prompting Events for Feeling Guilt

• Doing or thinking something you believe is wrong
• Doing or thinking something that violates your personal values
• Not doing something you said that you would do
• Committing a transgression against another person or something you value
• Causing harm/damage to another person or object
• Causing harm/damage to yourself
• Being reminded of something wrong you did in the past

Interpretations of Events that Prompt Feelings of Guilt

• Thinking your actions are to blame for something
• Thinking you behaved badly
• Thinking "if only" you had done something differently

Biological Changes and Experiences of Guilt

• Hot, red face
• Jitteriness, nervousness
• Suffocating

Expressions and Actions of Guilt

• Trying to repair the harm, make amends for the wrongdoing, fix the damage, change the outcome
• Asking for forgiveness, apologizing, confessing
• Giving gifts, making sacrifices trying to make up for the transgression
• Bowing your head, kneeling before the person

After-effects of Guilt

• Making resolutions to change
• Making changes in behaviour
• Joining self-help programs

Typical Secondary Emotions of Guilt

• Shame, Fear

DBT Describing Emotions - Shame

Shame is an unhappy emotion invented by pietists in order to exploit the human race. - Blake Edwards

Shame Words
Shame     Discomposure     Mortification     Contrition     Embarrassment     Self-Conscious     Culpability     Humiliation     Shyness


Prompting Events for Feeling Shame

• Being rejected by people you care about
• Having others find out that you have done something wrong
• Doing (feeling or thinking) something that people you admire believe is wrong or immoral
• Comparing some aspect of yourself or your behavior to a standard and feeling like you do not live up to that standard
• Being betrayed by a person you love
• Being laughed at, made fun of
• Being criticized in public, in front of someone else; remembering public criticism
• Others attacking your integrity
• Being reminded of something wrong, immoral or "shameful" you did in the past
• Being rejected or criticized for something you expected praise for
• Having emotions/experiences that have been invalidated
• Exposure of a very private aspect of yourself or your life
• Exposure of a physical characteristic you dislike
• Failing at something you feel you are (or should be) competent to do so

Interpretations of Events that Prompt Feelings of Shame

• Believing that other will reject you (or have rejected you)
• Judging yourself to be inferior, not "good enough", not as good as others; self-invalidation
• Comparing yourself to others and thinking that you are a "loser"
• Believing yourself unlovable
• Thinking that you are bad, immoral or wrong
• Thinking you are defective
• Thinking you're a bad person or a failure
• Believing your body (or a body part) is too big, too small or ugly
• Thinking that you have not lived up to others' expectations of you
• Thinking that your behaviour, thoughts or feeling are silly or stupid

Biological Changes and Experiences of Shame

• Pain in the pit of the stomach
• A sense of dread
• Wanting to shrink down and/or disappear
• Wanting to hide or cover your face and body

Expressions and Actions of Shame

• Hiding behaviour or characteristic from other people
• Avoiding the person you have harmed
• Avoiding persons who have criticized you
• Avoiding yourself - distracting, ignoring
• Withdrawing, covering your face
• Bowing your head, grovelling
• Appeasing; saying you are sorry over and over and over
• Looking down and away from others
• Sinking back, slumped and rigid posture
• The halted speech, lowered volume while talking

After-effects of Shame

• Avoiding thinking about your transgression, shutting down, blocking all emotions
• Engaging in distracting, impulsive behaviours to divert your mind or attention
• High amount of "self-focus"; preoccupation with self
• Depersonalization, associative experiences, numbness or shock
• Attacking or blaming others
• Conflicts with other people. Isolation, feeling alienated
• Impairment in ability to problem solve

Typical Secondary Emotions of Shame

• Anger, contempt, disgust, fear

Hard To Accept

So I had been hanging out with my ex for the last number of months, just doing stuff. I was holding him at arms length, not letting him get too emotionally close. For the past 10 years, he has been habitually passive aggressive which is a HUGE trigger for my BPD. It is virtually impossible for him to give validation which again is a huge trigger for my BPD.

When we would be hanging out, he would indicate that he wanted to have sex. I would refuse because neither one of us knew what this interaction between us was. Then in the next breath, he would say that we are just friends. But then he would be looking for sex and then say we are just friends and so on.

I finally told him to stop with the mind games. He refused to acknowledge that he was using mind games on me. So for weeks and weeks, this went on and on. I finally talked to him one day when he was in an open-minded mood and he agreed that what he was doing could be perceived as mind games. Finally!! VALIDATION!!  I told him at that instant "Please, please, don't say another word. Please don't ruin this." And he didn't.

The next few days after that, I felt huge weights being lifted off me and a lot of the old feelings came rushing back. Then he told me that he started seeing someone from his past - the one that got away, so to speak. He told me that he was pursuing a relationship with her. I was blind-sided, heartbroken all over again, in disbelief, so many feelings I can't even explain. He finally was able to give the validation I so desperately needed but he told me that he went through hell to get there and it would be unlikely that he would be able to do it again. Well, alright then.

It is really hard to accept that after 10 years together, he wouldn't put in a little effort to satisfy my needs. I told him that I understand what he meant by "going through hell" because that is what I experienced during the first staged on my DBT. The skills in DBT force your mind to go in a different direction than it has gone virtually your entire life. But the more you practice these skills, the easier they become. He has no interest in forcing his mind to do anything.

I often find myself thinking that I simply am not worthy of the effort, that I simply wasn't important enough. I have to force myself to radically accept the situation as it is and accept that these are his decisions that have nothing to do with me. That's what my therapist tells me anyway. My ex is choosing the path of least resistance for him. 

I kinda feel sorry for him though. The part that he played in our break-up - the passive aggressiveness, lack of validation - he hasn't changed anything at all in that respect. He will carry these behaviours to future relationships which likely will be the downfall of those too. 

As for me, I need to move on. I have a date this evening. I'm cautiously excited for this. We have been talking online and we seem to have quite a lot in common. He is taking me to dinner at my favourite restaurant.

Blog at you later, people.