Hard To Accept

So I had been hanging out with my ex for the last number of months, just doing stuff. I was holding him at arms length, not letting him get too emotionally close. For the past 10 years, he has been habitually passive aggressive which is a HUGE trigger for my BPD. It is virtually impossible for him to give validation which again is a huge trigger for my BPD.

When we would be hanging out, he would indicate that he wanted to have sex. I would refuse because neither one of us knew what this interaction between us was. Then in the next breath, he would say that we are just friends. But then he would be looking for sex and then say we are just friends and so on.

I finally told him to stop with the mind games. He refused to acknowledge that he was using mind games on me. So for weeks and weeks, this went on and on. I finally talked to him one day when he was in an open-minded mood and he agreed that what he was doing could be perceived as mind games. Finally!! VALIDATION!!  I told him at that instant "Please, please, don't say another word. Please don't ruin this." And he didn't.

The next few days after that, I felt huge weights being lifted off me and a lot of the old feelings came rushing back. Then he told me that he started seeing someone from his past - the one that got away, so to speak. He told me that he was pursuing a relationship with her. I was blind-sided, heartbroken all over again, in disbelief, so many feelings I can't even explain. He finally was able to give the validation I so desperately needed but he told me that he went through hell to get there and it would be unlikely that he would be able to do it again. Well, alright then.

It is really hard to accept that after 10 years together, he wouldn't put in a little effort to satisfy my needs. I told him that I understand what he meant by "going through hell" because that is what I experienced during the first staged on my DBT. The skills in DBT force your mind to go in a different direction than it has gone virtually your entire life. But the more you practice these skills, the easier they become. He has no interest in forcing his mind to do anything.

I often find myself thinking that I simply am not worthy of the effort, that I simply wasn't important enough. I have to force myself to radically accept the situation as it is and accept that these are his decisions that have nothing to do with me. That's what my therapist tells me anyway. My ex is choosing the path of least resistance for him. 

I kinda feel sorry for him though. The part that he played in our break-up - the passive aggressiveness, lack of validation - he hasn't changed anything at all in that respect. He will carry these behaviours to future relationships which likely will be the downfall of those too. 

As for me, I need to move on. I have a date this evening. I'm cautiously excited for this. We have been talking online and we seem to have quite a lot in common. He is taking me to dinner at my favourite restaurant.

Blog at you later, people.